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 Past of the Ghost Boy - Lewis' Poem

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Jaffa Crash
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Jaffa Crash

PokePartner : Pikachu
Posts : 523
Life Tokens : 4738
Join date : 2012-10-02
Age : 22
Location : England, Leeds

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PostSubject: Past of the Ghost Boy - Lewis' Poem   Past of the Ghost Boy - Lewis' Poem Icon_minitimeSat Apr 27, 2013 6:58 pm

Ever since they were stolen from me... I've been waiting for a fairy tale to save me...

But instead, I've been living in a meaningless fantasy
Every moment, I feel less and less safe.
And as the meaningless fantasy carries on and on,
I'm losing more and more faith...

The scars, the burns, they're all still there,
A constant reminder of what I have lost.
And if I could then I would bring them back to me,
No matter what the cost...

I'm left hurt, guilty and in pain,
So broken and in disrepair.
I have no-one else to turn to,
So lonely and in dispair.

But then one day, my prayers were answered!
My unreal fantasy became a true reality!
There's someone who loves me,
And I begin to regain my sanity...

Spirits. Spirits came to my rescue,
They flew round, fluent like a dart!
And although they couldn't touch me pysically,
They were able to reach my heart.

They wanted to show me something,
A strange place, a room with many walls.
I enter room, unaware of what would happen,
And am greeted by many Ghosts and their ghostly calls!

Most would be spooked. Why?
The spirits were the only ones who had cared for me.
That is, since the day my family was stolen.
But I was wrong about the death of one member of my family tree...

The Ghosts taught me about my gift... A power.
The ability to pass through random objects.
They also taught me many lessons in life,
Many different topics, and many different subjects...

Three years have passed since I was cast away,
Alone.
But I was given a new, loving family.
And also reunited with one sharing the blood of my own...

And ever since my fateful encounter with the spirits: A fairy tale has saved me.

Lewis


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SkyDriver
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PokePartner : Salamence
Posts : 1024
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Join date : 2012-02-13
Age : 23
Location : Dragon's Den

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PostSubject: Re: Past of the Ghost Boy - Lewis' Poem   Past of the Ghost Boy - Lewis' Poem Icon_minitimeSun Apr 28, 2013 4:22 am

Nice story lewis, but the way it's written I personally don't like. Certain parts lack the rhythm, some lines/paragraphs are rather weak. But these lines:
Quote :
Although they couldn't touch me physically
They were able to reach my heart
THAT is very, very well written. Just one thing: touching physically is kinda obvious, therefore not preferred in the same line. Perhaps you should try to tell the story with less words, that prevents weak lines.

~Sky

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Night
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Posts : 198
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Join date : 2013-03-27
Age : 24
Location : Somewhere in the World.

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PostSubject: Re: Past of the Ghost Boy - Lewis' Poem   Past of the Ghost Boy - Lewis' Poem Icon_minitimeSun Apr 28, 2013 2:50 pm

Still really good though.
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Jaffa Crash
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Posts : 523
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Age : 22
Location : England, Leeds

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PostSubject: ...   Past of the Ghost Boy - Lewis' Poem Icon_minitimeSun Apr 28, 2013 2:52 pm

I like to break the rhythm :3

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PostSubject: Re: Past of the Ghost Boy - Lewis' Poem   Past of the Ghost Boy - Lewis' Poem Icon_minitime

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